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this week with rooh
when everything feels like gaslighting
Jammin’ To 🎧: Sunlight
I’ve been thinking a lot about something our team posted on rooh’s Instagram this week. It was about gaslighting—and how hard it can be to hold onto your truth when someone keeps rewriting your reality. The topic resonated with our audience, but it also gave me pause: we’re hearing the word gaslighting everywhere lately. I’ve said “you’re gaslighting me” half-jokingly in conversations too, when someone forgets a decision we made or insists I didn’t tell them something (even though I know I did).
Not every moment of forgetfulness is gaslighting, or every disagreement is gaslighting. Not every uncomfortable moment is emotional abuse. When we overuse the word, it can blur the lines for people who are actually experiencing it.
Real gaslighting is serious. It’s slow, deliberate, and deeply devastating. It makes you doubt your own mind and erodes your sense of self.
This week, I wanted to spend a little time reclaiming clarity: What is gaslighting—really? And how do we know when it's happening versus when we’re just being challenged, or uncomfortable, or human?
“Gaslighting isn’t just lying. It’s manipulation with a goal: to control how you see yourself.”
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and expert on narcissistic abuse, defines gaslighting not as a single comment—but a sustained pattern. A deliberate effort to make someone question their reality, memory, or emotions.
It often shows up in relationships where one person holds more power. Over time, the gaslighter chips away at your confidence with phrases like:
“You’re too sensitive.”
“That never happened.”
“You’re remembering it wrong.”
What’s important to remember is this:
Disagreeing with someone is not the same as gaslighting them. When we use the word too loosely, we risk minimizing the impact it has on people who are truly being emotionally manipulated and harmed.
Naming things accurately helps us heal more clearly—and communicate with one another more honestly.
Disagreement or distortion?
Here’s a quick check-in to help you tell the difference:
Think of a moment that felt invalidating recently.
Ask yourself:
Were they disagreeing with me—or denying my reality?
Was it a one-off comment—or part of a larger pattern?
Did I feel unseen—or erased?
The intention here is to remind yourself of your perception of a situation and understand the root cause of it.
Start to try this instead: when things get tense, and your instinct is to say, “You’re gaslighting me,” pause and go with something like, “That’s not how I remember it,” or “That didn’t sit right with me—can we talk about it?” You’re not sugarcoating anything—you’re just being specific. And that makes it easier for both you and the other person to understand what’s really going on.
Not everything is gaslighting. When it is, you’ll know—because it leaves you questioning your own memory or sanity. But when it’s not, and something still feels off? That’s worth naming, too. You don’t need the perfect word. You just need to be honest.
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